This is a tricky post to write.

Apparently I have been saying tricky a lot lately. It is such an appropriate word that works in several different contexts (and a catchy Run DMC song that just happens to be on my workout playlist).

It’s a tricky post to write because relationships as a RPW can be tricky.

As I covered in my first post, there are expectations on what this role looks like, who you’re supposed to be, and even what your kids should be like (although currently there aren’t a ton of ridiculous expectations about our yet-to-be-born child. It’s the size of a lemon.).

Your husband is in the spotlight. Whether you like it or not, that spotlight can shine on you sometimes. Maybe you’re cool with this–maybe you even love it and are filled up by this. And if that’s your story–embrace it! But my hunch is that not all of us feel this way and struggle to build real, authentic, relationships.

Why is this?

I think sometimes we choose to be guarded. It’s difficult when it feels like everyone has an opinion about your husband. Or when you feel in the middle between a perception and a partner.

And sometimes it’s easier to live life at a distance. To refuse to get close to other people, especially other women, because deep down we’re afraid of what they’ll think of us. Of what they think about the love of your life.

But who wants to live like this?

I know sometimes I let my own junk get the best of me. “He complained to me about my husband”. “Why does she have such an opinion on why we waited so long to have kids”. “She would think I am a horrible person if she knew that I struggled with all of these things”!

Relationships are risky. I have to check myself when I am getting too guarded or hesitant to share my life with others. Or when I catch the introverted side of me taking over and only going through the Sunday morning motions of putting on the RPW face instead of just going for it. The risk is worth it.

I forget that the Church is made up of imperfect people–and my imperfections and shortcomings are no different than anyone else’s. In relationships in the Church, I need to put down my fists, love bigger, and remember that this life, and everything that comes with it, is exactly where the Lord wants me to be.

I officially became a RPW on February 25, 2006. We definitely learned a lot in our first year in terms of time management and setting boundaries–mostly from the things we did wrong.

Honestly, I think it came from a place of excitement and energy. “We want to get to know the youth! We want to have students over! Our college students are missing out! We should join a small group!” None of those things is inherently negative. But ultimately, while our hearts were in the right place, we were overcommitted right from the beginning.

Our first fall in ministry, we ended up being involved in church programs four nights out of the week–Sunday and Wednesday night Youth Programs, Open House for Students on Tuesdays, and a New College Ministry on Thursdays. And we loved each of the programs and genuinely enjoyed leading them.

Insert life lesson from a youth ministry pro: we attended the National Youth Workers Convention our first year in ministry and attended a Q & A with Doug Fields and his wife. The Field’s have been in ministry for almost 30 years and have an incredible amount of wisdom for pastors and families in ministry. Doug specifically shared about the busy seasons in ministry where he was committed to a big project like a building or a book–but only for a season. These seasons were anywhere from 3 to 18 months. And their family committed to the season together.

The thing about seasons is that they have an end date.

We’ve all had busy seasons. Holidays. Grad school. Thesis writing. RA training. Summer youth trips with less than a week in between. Or times of family stress or unexpected life change.

At the same time, I think that Josh and I soon realized after a full schedule that even though we loved what we were doing, it was too much. We set a standard from the beginning that was not sustainable. Sure. It was fun. We built great relationships with students that we have even now. But we had to let some things go eventually and delegate to other awesome, capable leaders because we were simply trying to do too much.

We put an end to four nights a week and tried to be more intentional about our time in our second year. We have to check ourselves even now when we realize our weeks are filling up and we have no “sacred nights” at home. Some weeks are just busy, but when we fill fill fill up our schedules all for the sake of ministry, we end up burning ourselves out and it just becomes another appointment on the ical that hasn’t had an opening in months.

Is it our pride that gets in the way because we want to do it all ourselves?

Our inability to say no?

The myth that if it’s all ministry then it must be all well and good?

People pleasing showing its ugly face? (DING DING DING! This is so me!)

It could be one or all of those things–or something else that I am not mentioning that only you can identify.

How do you balance a full schedule in ministry? How many nights a week is too much for you? If you have kids, how did that change how you organized your schedule?

I am definitely the cheesy one in my relationship with my RP. Definitely. Today’s topic is just one example of this fact.

I may be alone here, but I really love new year’s resolutions. The name carries, however, a lot of baggage. We come in to a new year expecting in some ways to fail. No one comes out necessarily and says that but I think there is a little self doubt in all of us. So a couple of years ago I started drafting my yearly bucket list instead.

No, I didn’t see the Bucket List movie a couple years ago (although I do love that one John Mayer song that went with the movie), mainly because I know how it ends and get way too emotionally involved in movies in the first place, but I do like the concept of a bucket list–both for life and for the year! (I know that conceptually the title doesn’t make complete sense, but stick with me here).

In year’s past my bucket lists have included things like baking a pie (I didn’t get to this one, sadly), wearing more colors (I love black–but was relatively successful with this one), reading 12 books (success, however almost 50% of my total was read on vacation), and eating vegetables everyday (do tater-tots count?).

The bucket list item I want to share about for today’s post for RPW’s is setting aside dedicated time away with my RP.

The last couple of years we have set goals on our bucket list that have proven to be super helpful and life-giving in stressful seasons of ministry. It sort of evolved into what it is now, but I am thankful that it did.

For two years, we lived in a residence hall with 200+ freshmen women. During the academic year, I was only allowed to be gone one weekend a month, which we soon learned became a must in order to protect my sanity. But with a spouse in ministry where Sundays are the big day of the week, weekends and time away from work proved to be difficult. So we had to be creative and intentional about setting time away for rest and to reconnect.

Some of our weekends in the first semesters were spent with family, while others were just the two of us camping or taking a day trip somewhere (I’m partial to outlet malls, and Josh is partial to reading in the car while I shop at outlet malls).

But last year we decided to put a number on it for weekends away just the two of us. 4. Once a quarter (this sometimes included a Sunday off, but not always.). And we accomplished it. We planned ahead and were able to have meaningful, restful time away that we looked forward to throughout the year.

Let’s get this straight: I work in higher ed and am married to a pastor, so it’s not like we have an endless supply of cash for extravagant weekends away in fancy hotels eating nothing but filets and gold-leafed desserts (I prefer McFlurries). That’s where the creativity came into play. Here are a couple ideas:

• Priceline. William Shatner isn’t kidding around.
• Camping. (If you hate camping, please move to the next bullet.) There’s nothing like sleeping in a tent or sitting around a fire for us. It’s great time to connect with each other and with the Lord. And cheap! Especially if you really rough it!
• Pair it with professional development. Are you traveling for a conference? Make it into a couple trip if you can. Learning together can be a really great way to connect.
• Tell others what your goal is. My RA staff knew how important it was for us to get away and they helped us make that happen with a gift certificate to a cottage for a night. Clearly I’m not saying that you should put on your facebook, “Who wants to send us to  B & B?” But I do think you can communicate with those you’re close with for holidays or birthdays about what your goal is and others who love and care about you can help you make it happen.
• Who can you visit? My best friend and her husband live in Chicago. Some of my favorite weekends away have been staying with them. They are safe people for us that get life in ministry and have been walking alongside us in our journey since the beginning. Who are safe people for you that you can visit?

I’m sure I’m missing some and that many readers have found ways to make weekends away work. What thoughts do you have about investing in your marriage? What works for you?

Thanks for reading!

I have this piece of faded, purple paper that once sat framed above my sink and now sits above my desk at home. It has water spots on it and you can hardly read the greyish-black ink anymore. But I know what it says.

It’s a little dramatic to say that this piece of paper changed my life. So maybe it didn’t change my life, but it changed my thinking for sure.

About three years in to being a RPW, Josh sent me this blog post that has helped me tremendously on my journey in the role of a pastor’s wife.

The original post is from the Jesus Creed blog and can be found here, but below is the part that resonated with me and I couldn’t wait to share with you this week:

Recently, I was with several people visiting and socializing in the church foyer after services. I was aware that there was someone new that people were introducing themselves to. I also extended my hand to introduce myself. When it was my turn, I said “Hi, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Barb. My name is Shirley.” Pleasantries and welcome passed between all the individuals nearby. Later, one person came up to me and said: I noticed how you introduced yourself as Shirley.  I wondered why you did that. Why didn’t you tell her you were the “Pastor’s Wife” ?

I could see in an instant that this person saw me as a “role” that I fulfill. The role was glamorized and sensational. Even slightly sensational is indeed sensational. I have always found that there are moments each Sunday where I could be who I am, or I could choose to settle into some other person’s expectation for my identity. In my view, however, that identity changes from one person to the next. So, how would I know who I am?

That last line gets me–”So, how would I know who I am?” Whether or not you’re even a RPW, how often do we choose to settle into someone else’s expectation for our identity? As women, moms, professionals, friends, sisters, etc.–what does the Lord say about us? Isn’t that what truly matters?

I am going to talk a lot more tomorrow about some things that are on my “Bucket list for 2012″, but I want so badly for this year to be a year where I continue to invest my thought life in what the Lord says about me, not the million other “shoulds” that distract me from who I know I am.

When I really think about it, I think I do sometimes introduce myself as the youth pastor’s wife (in fact, I think I get our church’s newsletter under the name Heidy, the Youth Pastor’s Wife). Maybe it’s not so much about the introduction, but the thought behind it and how we let what our spouse’s do define us.

What do you think about this? Do you feel the weight of others’ expectations? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences!

As Josh mentioned here, I am taking over Rookie Pastor. Okay that is a little misleading, I am taking over Rookie Pastor for a week. It’s what all the cool bloggers do, right? Go on trips where they will be unable to blog and then assign a guest blogger who is cool, but not as equally as cool, as the host blogger him or herself?

Well, Josh is in Haiti helping lead a trip with our church and Nehemiah Vision Ministries and I am at home. Because I got pregnant. Whoops. Okay kidding we’re thrilled. And there will be many more posts to come about this super interesting stage of life that we find ourselves in. But for now–it’s all about the wives.

The question was posed through the RP twitter account a few weeks back about what topics Rookie Pastors thought that their wives could benefit from as Rookie Pastors’ Wives (RPW).  The tweet received several responses and really got my mind going about how what we could cover this week.

Here’s my heart: I love the role of a Pastor’s Wife. I do. I love talking to other pastor’s wives, doing life with the awesome PW’s at our church community, and reading about how women find support in this role. We need one another.

Leadership is lonely and isolating at times. And it is difficult to balance all of the different hats that we are expected to wear as women in the first place, let alone add in this sometimes-ambiguous role that has gained quite a bit of baggage over the years.

Here’s where we’re headed this week:

Day 1: RPW Defined–Who are YOU?

Day 2: My 2012 Bucket List as a RPW

Day 3: But it’s all ministry?!? Setting Boundaries as a RPW

Day 4: Putting Yourself Out There–Relationships as a RPW

Day 5: Embracing this Life–The Beauty in Being a RPW

Before I say anymore, I want to include two disclaimers.

The first is that I want to acknowledge that I am incredibly blessed as a student pastor’s wife at our church. I don’t feel like I very often have negative interactions because of the one I’m married to. I realize this isn’t always everyone’s experience and want to acknowledge that readers may be in some pretty difficult spots. I never want to sugarcoat anything or act like this is all easy and that our only discussion this week would be sharing corn casserole recipes. Feel free to be honest in the comments section this week–I’d love to hear your experiences.

The second disclaimer is that there could be some RPH’s out there–Rookie Pastor Husbands! I am not intentionally leaving you out! I realize you are lower in number than us RPW, but feel free to contribute your perspective this week as well! I hope some of this series will be helpful to you.

Thanks for reading! I’m looking forward to this week!